I am not ashamed to say that the artist in the studio next to mine works harder than me. Like me, she works on commissions and personal works. Like me, she runs a blog in order to keep her comedy muscles toned. She is a successful full-time playwright. I admire her tenacity and passion for her craft and I take every opportunity I have to
let her know this interrupt her progress when mine falls flat, to ask her to join me on a coffee run when I’m stumped and she is sprouting new ideas at a rapid rate. After being a professional brother to four sisters for almost 25 years, my efforts as an annoyance and distraction have recently been futile. My neighboring artist Jess Bellamy is now enjoying the fruits of her labor at the Venice Film Festival as a screenwriter for a short-film that featured in the top ten films in Ridley Scott’s “Your Film Festival” this week. Jess had to change tact and try her hand at screenwriting to adapt her play “Bat Eyes” for film. As the film was in the top ten in this international competition she got to mingle at a party with Ridley Scott and Michael Fassbender.
Like any good friend would do, I took this opportunity to ride the Bellamy-wave of Fassbender-heavy success. The night before Jess left for Venice I, like Jess moving from play to screenwriting, moved from fine art to this…
Now, Michael Fassbender is not familiar with my artistic prowess. He is not aware that I can do much better than this. He is also unaware that the “teachers handwriting” labeling the different Fassbenders belongs to my girlfriend Caro. He probably could deduce that I am a fan of his and really that’s all that matters here right? RIGHT?!
IT’S THE BEST PLAN GUYS! ANY ARTWORK THAT IS MORE REFINED THAN THIS JUST LOOKS CREEPY… Well this one doesn’t look creepy so long as you believe that the artist responsible for this work was actually five years old and that he had sat through Prometheus, X-Men: First Class and Inglorious Basterds without shitting his Osh-Kosh-Bagosh pants. Because we all know that overly-shaded fan-art is a fan-boy no-no. The thought of you gently scraping the end off your pencil, then gently rubbing the shavings in to the soft face of your crudely, yet affectionately and meticulously drawn, celebrity obsession is not going to get Michael Fassbender to your Christmas dinner with your family like you prayed for (because that’s what Jesus is listening out for – not starving children in war torn countries… Celebrity/fan meets!). Just ask Daniel Craig.
So Jess was at the party and the following unfolded…
Jess met Fassbender.
At the party she also met his girlfriend Nicole Beharie and found she was the best operative to probe the crowd to deliver my artwork to Fassbender.
Here is Jess’ report:
I went up to Fassbender’s girlfriend Nicole, told her I thought she was great in Shame, chatted a bit about Bat Eyes, and then I went “ok this is a bit awkward but when I was talking to Michael I didn’t want to give him this. My friend who is an artist has a picture for Michael. Do you want it?”She takes it, laughs a lot, and goes, “how old is your friend?:I say “mid-20s”.
Moment of awkwardness.
Then she’s like “That’s awesome. I’m giving it to Michael”.
This is Nicole holding my drawing looking for Fassbender (For Real!)
I go off to drink 25 more spritzes, and suddenly there’s a Google executive yelling “WE NEED A SHARPIE! DOES ANYONE HAVE A SHARPIE” (no one had a sharpie) – and then Nicole finds me in the crowd, hands me the piece of paper, and he has signed it for you. With two XXs.
Holy Fucking Shitballs! I THINK I JUST WON THE INTERNET!
Also you must watch this video of Jess talking about Bat Eyes
and here is the short film in full.
Proud of you Jess…
But (I’m not gonna lie) more proud of myself.