Encounter of the Fassbender Kind.

Painting, This is Interesting

I am not ashamed to say that the artist in the studio next to mine works harder than me. Like me, she works on commissions and personal works. Like me, she runs a blog in order to keep her comedy muscles toned. She is a successful full-time playwright. I admire her tenacity and passion for her craft and I take every opportunity I have to let her know this interrupt her progress when mine falls flat, to ask her to join me on a coffee run when I’m stumped and she is sprouting new ideas at a rapid rate. After being a professional brother to four sisters for almost 25 years, my efforts as an annoyance and distraction have recently been futile. My neighboring artist Jess Bellamy is now enjoying the fruits of her labor at the Venice Film Festival as a screenwriter for a short-film that featured in the top ten films in Ridley Scott’s “Your Film Festival” this week. Jess had to change tact and try her hand at screenwriting to adapt her play “Bat Eyes” for film. As the film was in the top ten in this international competition she got to mingle at a party with Ridley Scott and Michael Fassbender.

Like any good friend would do, I took this opportunity to ride the Bellamy-wave of Fassbender-heavy success. The night before Jess left for Venice I, like Jess moving from play to screenwriting, moved from fine art to this…

Now, Michael Fassbender is not familiar with my artistic prowess. He is not aware that I can do much better than this. He is also unaware that the “teachers handwriting” labeling the different Fassbenders belongs to my girlfriend Caro. He probably could deduce that I am a fan of his and really that’s all that matters here right? RIGHT?!

IT’S THE BEST PLAN GUYS! ANY ARTWORK THAT IS MORE REFINED THAN THIS JUST LOOKS CREEPY… Well this one doesn’t look creepy so long as you believe that the artist responsible for this work was actually five years old and that he had sat through Prometheus, X-Men: First Class and Inglorious Basterds without shitting his Osh-Kosh-Bagosh pants. Because we all know that overly-shaded fan-art is a fan-boy no-no. The thought of you gently scraping the end off your pencil, then gently rubbing the shavings in to the soft face of your crudely, yet affectionately and meticulously drawn, celebrity obsession is not going to get Michael Fassbender to your Christmas dinner with your family like you prayed for (because that’s what Jesus is listening out for – not starving children in war torn countries… Celebrity/fan meets!). Just ask Daniel Craig.

https://i0.wp.com/www.reelgoddess.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Awful-Fan-Art-Daniel-Craig.jpg

So Jess was at the party and the following unfolded…

Jess met Fassbender.

At the party she also met his girlfriend Nicole Beharie and found she was the best operative to probe the crowd to deliver my artwork to Fassbender.
Here is Jess’ report:

I went up to Fassbender’s girlfriend Nicole, told her I thought she was great in Shame, chatted a bit about Bat Eyes, and then I went “ok this is a bit awkward but when I was talking to Michael I didn’t want to give him this. My friend who is an artist has a picture for Michael. Do you want it?”She takes it, laughs a lot, and goes, “how old is your friend?:I say “mid-20s”.

Moment of awkwardness.

Then she’s like “That’s awesome. I’m giving it to Michael”.

This is Nicole holding my drawing looking for Fassbender (For Real!)

I go off to drink 25 more spritzes, and suddenly there’s a Google executive yelling “WE NEED A SHARPIE! DOES ANYONE HAVE A SHARPIE” (no one had a sharpie) – and then Nicole finds me in the crowd, hands me the piece of paper, and he has signed it for you. With two XXs.

photo(31) 
 
Holy Fucking Shitballs! I THINK I JUST WON THE INTERNET!
 
Also you must watch this video of  Jess talking about Bat Eyes 
 

and here is the short film in full.

Proud of you Jess…

But (I’m not gonna lie) more proud of myself.

Art theft: Just like Oceans 12 (But nothing like Oceans 12)

Painting

This morning I was working in my studio and noticed I was a victim of a devious art heist. The artwork in question was a sculptural work I exhibited at the Shelf Life group show in the Delmar Gallery at the end of 2011. The work did not sell so I have kept it in my studio. Here is a picture of the work on exhibition in December last year.

The work is called “San Remo (after Salvator Rosa)” and is a frame made out of San Remo pasta which is then painted with acrylic and gold leafing. Now I know that this particular artwork is not as coveted as Edward Munch’s “Scream” or Da Vinci’s infamous “Mona Lisa” but the master thief has been stealing my artwork in small increments so as I would not notice perhaps? Or perhaps because they can only transport a small amount at a time in some sort of a Shawshank Redemption sting. Here is a photograph of the partially stolen artwork today.

I’m unsure as to when the robbery took place or the whereabouts of the remainder of the artwork.

A wheel of cheese and half of my housemate Jess’ tomato have also gone missing recently.

The culprit has been narrowed down to two possible options.

These WW2 soldiers:

Or

Arthur “Ima steal ya pasta art”  Rat:

I’ve spoken to the police and they are pretty sure it’s those American-looking soldiers.
Also, how gross are rats? I’m sooooo glad it’s not the rat because I would hate to have one of those things in my house. THEY ARE MY SECOND WORST FEAR – RIGHT AFTER BIRDS WHICH MAKES THIS GIF THE MOST TERRIFYING THING IN THE WORLD.

funny gifs

 

Merch Appreciated

Design, This is Interesting
 I have been trying to get my designs out in to the real world. For a while I was tatooing my artworks on the butt-cheeks of shut-ins. I erected a billboard in the heart of New Zealand’s CBD. I even printed my works on A5 paper and inserted them in to the front of every copy of Rhonda Byrne’S “The Secret” at my local library.
Discus Inferno by Edmund Iffland Kubrick's Killers by Edmund IfflandThor and Order by Edmund Iffland Pop and Lock by Edmund Iffland
After all this hard work no one saw my artwork but recently I’ve noticed a lot of people like to wear T-Shirts. I did some resarch and found that often people print artworks on their T-shirts. Redbubble.com have cottoned on to this fad and I have asked them nicely to use a few of my designs. I think I’m on to a good thing. So if you would like to wear one of my designs go to www.redbubble.com/people/edmundiffland and buy one from the internet. Or if you are a shut-in with a naked arse that’s hungry for some ink lemme know.

Playing Just For the Waitresses

Design

Sometimes I create artworks for commissions and sometimes I will design a poster for a fee and sometimes I just want to see something exist because it doesn’t already and I think it would be cool if it did. This poster design is an example of the latter. I like Steve Buscemi, I like Reservoir Dogs and I like to design posters.

For those of you who are not familiar with this reference please refresh your memory with this video (below). SPOILER ALERT. If you haven’t seen Reservoir Dogs yet you really should. I’m not suggesting that you should because it’s in my top ten and I want you to like what I like. I don’t care what you like. I’m just letting you know that if you are intending on putting together a crew to plan a jewel heist this film can be used as an instructional video of what not to do. So if you are going to steal those diamonds DON’T ASK TIM ROTH TO HELP!

With Great Power…

Design

After winning the batman poster competition I have decided to use my powers of graphic design for good rather than evil. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking –  “Edmund, how could you possibly use graphic design for evil?” – I’ll tell ya how: I could wow a client with a brilliant design for a theatre show but put the wrong date on the poster thus causing anarchy at a small fringe festival. ANARCHY! and I would save it as a .jpg file and delete the .psd file making it reeeeealy annoying if I were to change the date to the real date. But I would not say a word, I would just let the audiences turn up to another show which may already be booked out. I would stand on a hill watching the confused crowds get mildly annoyed at the ticket booth guy and would chortle, I would chortle with absolute glee knowing that I, a lowly graphic designer, caused such anarchy!

This kind of evil only works once though, It may be hard to get a gig designing posters for a while.

So here is an example of my powers of graphic design being used for good:

This is a birthday present for my brother-in-law Joel. He is a marine biologist and bicycle enthusiast and aquaMAN did he love it.

Double Bacon Please.

Design

With Kevin Bacon as my spirit guide for Dry July I have abstained from drinking for twelve days now. I knew things would get tough so I have re-labeled all of my booze with photos of Kevin. I get to the fridge, grab a beer but before I crack open the cold, bitter, refreshing ale I catch K.B’s deep, glowing blue eye and I see his furrowed waxy brow and his slim tiny mouth says to me “No. You’re doing this for cancer Ed. If it were for something bullshit like animal rights I might let you have just one beer, but you need to put me back in the fridge and do something else. Why not watch a classic movie like Footloose or something?”. Thanks Kevin. I didn’t know you were an animal hater but I guess your name isn’t Kevin “Fair-trade” Bacon.

Two more friends have helped me get through this Month. Fuzzy and Priscilla both made donations to my Dry July Profile so they both receive a peronalised Kevin Bacon artwork. If Kevin Bacon can be my spirit guide helping me out when I’m not drinking, he can surely help you guys up when you are drinking. I’ll post you a signed print in the mail. Enjoy.

If you want to help fight cancer and receive one of these artworks just donate here
https://www.dryjuly.com/profile/edmundiffland

No Booze but All Bacon!

Design, This is Interesting

I’m ten days in and Dry July has me cooking some serious Bacon. Lucia Giuffre was the first to donate so she receives the first Kevin Bacon artwork. My Dry July team mate is award winning playwright: Jessica Bellamy. Jess is offering to write fan-fiction for every donation she receives. When Lucia donated to both Jess and myself she requested Jess and I collaborate on a Kevin Bacon/slasher fan-fiction creation involving David Attenborough and the underground cave systems of Mexico. The story is pretty saucy, I’m not going to lie, I haven’t been this aroused since I met Richard Wilkins at the boner factory.

Meanwhile, Dry July may be helping me raise money for adults living with cancer but goodness I REALLY WANT A BEER! I had an alcohol free beer yesterday, it was like renting out Death At A Funeral and realising it was the bullshit American remake with Martin Laurence. WHY DID THEY REMAKE THAT MOVIE?! IT WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLD AND IT WAS ALREADY IN ENGLISH.

Anyway here is the erotic fan fiction that is helping raise money for cancer:

ACHIN’ FOR BACON

David Attenborough had never had such a small tour group.

Normally when David Attenborough ran his dedicated ‘no customer leaves unsatisfied’ tours of the intricate underground cave systems of Mexico, his tour group was filled to the brim, leaking and bursting with desperate, over-keen fans, all of them trying to bring in extra family members and lovers, all of them dying NOT to miss out on the great Sir David’s  100% satisfaction guarantee.
Sir David loved running these tours. He loved the thick bushy entrance to the cave’s inner recesses. He loved the long dripping stalactites that littered droplets of cold liquid over his upper lip, and brought out sweat on his wrinkled forehead.

The Mexican underground caves begged him, every day, to come inside them and explore.

And explore he did.

But today was puzzling because instead of his usual thrumming, jostling, over-eager crowd, there was just one man. One cool, calm, collected man, acting as if this excitement was no big deal at all.

It was Kevin Motherfucking Bacon.

He stood tall and proud in his double denim. He brushed a hand through his wavy brown hair. His eyes were sharp blue, an azure like the gushing lakes of the inner rivers of the cave they were soon to explore. And I do mean explore.

David moved forward to say hello, one arm outstretched, and Kevin pulled him into a firm, manly, loving hug.

He smelt like cinammon and glory.

“Hi there,” said Kevin, softly into David’s ear. “You might wonder why I’m all alone here today.”

“Yes, I did wonder,” mumbled David, willing away a burgeoning semi.

“You see, I’m studying for a role in my next blockbuster film. The character is a guy who does a personal tour with David Attenborough. And then has sex with David Attenborough.”

David bit his tongue in surprise.

“And also…” Kevin continued, “I hope this won’t alarm you, Sir David. But I am a method actor.”

And that was that. The tour began.

They explored the caves together – all sorts of beautiful caves. Warm and dark caves, with long leaking stalagmites and certain recesses that were very stalac-tight, and they lay each other down on the banks of the longest flowing river in all of Mexico. It was so blue, and so warm, despite being metres underground, and the two very different men held each other tight, and they touched doodles, or however gays like to do that sort of thing because I skipped those lessons in Year 10 PDHPE, and Kevin fully, AND I MEAN FULLY, inhabited his character.

And Sir David had a pretty good time too.

The Dark Knight Prizes

Design

So I haven’t seen the new Batman movie. No one has! Christopher Nolan won’t even show his Mum. She asked to see The Dark Knight one week before the release date so Nolan Inceptioned her and planted the idea that SHE SHOULD SHUT UP AND BUY A TICKET LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE!

So, like Mamma Nolan, I won’t be able to see The Dark Knight Rises until the day it comes out, I may however see it the minute it comes out at a special midnight screening provided I win a fan-boy poster competition run by Dendy Cinemas. The top eight fan-made posters get exhibited for two weeks at the new Newtown Dendy Cinema and I get a prize-pack of Batman stuff and two tickets to see all three movies in the picture theatre (Picture theatre? Who am I, my Dad?) with The Dark Knight Rises playing at 12:01 AM.

As I don’t know much about the new movie I can only imagine that the villain, Bane, is a giant paratrooper with a snorkel who was brought to America in chains from his native Africa and forced to perform in off-off-Broadway shows until he escapes and tries to eat all of the native bats in Gotham… That’s how Mamma Nolan explained it to me anyway.

Here is my submission: SPOILER ALERT – I won!

I’ve Got A Semi.

Painting

Another day, another art competition rejection, another photo of me crying in the shower.

I received confirmation today that my portrait of Dave Collins did not get to the finals in the Doug Moran Portrait Prize and as you can see I cried so much I drenched my shirt I took it well. I am very proud of myself, I was a semi-finalist in one of the biggest portrait prizes in the world and am very proud of the artwork I created. This year was the first step in creating an annual tradition for myself, I will enter the Archibald and Moran annually with the aim to have fewer photographs of myself in the shower… unless it’s a strange self portrait.

Dry July Has Me Makin’ Bacon.

Painting, This is Interesting

https://i0.wp.com/www.dryjuly.com/media/9520/what-is-dry-july-image.jpg

I’m doing Dry July. This means I don’t drink any booze for the month of July. It is all in support of adults living with cancer.

My spirit guide for Dry July is Kevin Bacon. Bacon is helping me get through this booze free month, looking at his chiseled chin and large luxurious forehead makes every day easier.

Every donation made will receive a personalised Kevin Bacon cartoon. Just make a donation, email me with your postage address and I will post you an original one of a kind hand drawn image of Kevin Bacon helping you out on a big night out. Kevin could be your designated driver, or holding your hair back while you puke, or just cooking you a nice ‘hang-over breakfast’ of scrambled eggs and Bacon. What ever you want!

Every donation counts and it all goes towards adults living with cancer. Please give generously.

IF YOU WANNA BRING HOME THE BACON – DONATE!

Here is the link to my profile.